Since weed, pills and alcohol were being taken away from me (starting on 9-2-10), I decided to intensify the punishment; I eliminated Mountain Dew completely, and limited myself to 2 cups of coffee per week ("cups", not "pots"). Also; no fast food for me. Since I'm at the bar 3 days per week anyway (running 2 poker tournaments/1 Blues Jam), I drank Pepsi with lemonade--a "Fake Out", it looks like a Long Island Tea. Or I drank Pepsi + orange juice--"Bong Water", (tastes great, but looks nasty). I continued to smoke American Spirit Blue cigarettes through this adventure--mainly as stress release. I don't smoke 'when opportunity presents itself', or at every possible "break"; I never have. I smoke cigarettes on my own terms/at my own times. Developed during this period of "adjustment" in life, my new attitude toward cigarettes is this: "I smoke sometimes...to let other people live. You're welcome." Not to be funny; but, it fits. I look forward to not smoking--someday. But until then, I will continue to smoke--and let stupid people live, for now.
The FIRST thing I would tell ANYBODY to do is to go get 2 high-tension (black) hand-exercisers ($5/pair at Big 5 Sporting Goods), and start squeezing (or medium-tension, blue, for ladies). Squeeze 500 times per day, or more, with each hand. You might as well develop some hand strength while you suffer. The SECOND thing I would tell anybody is that you're BROKE now. Stop spending money on anything and everything. This DUI will end up costing you between $2000 and $5000. You will be (cheaply) going to the library and checking out books to read--from now on, and forever. If you can afford it ($30), then the THIRD thing I would tell anybody to go get (other than an updated library card) is the book: "The Tightwad Gazette" by Amy Dacyczyn. Because you ARE broke now, you need to learn how to save money; this book will help. Other books to "check out"; "The Ultimate Cheapskate's Road Map To True Riches" and "The Cheapskate Next Door", both by Jeff Yeager. Other poor people are currently reading the library copies, but go ahead and get on the list to check them out as soon as possible. Later in life you will own all 3 of these books; I do. I suggest that you become familiar with the library, and the Dollar Store--you'll be spending some time at both.
Along with your needing to save money, you now have an "out" to get away from any social experience that has some "cost". Whatever the "expense" actually is, you cannot afford to "pay" it. Plus; you are about to embark on an emotional experience that has no fun at all. It is completely dark, scary and unknown how this ride will end (you may NOT make it; 30% of people don't). But YOU won't be attending any weddings/funerals/graduations, or going to ANY celebrations for awhile; get over it. People who honestly care about you will stop being so selfish, and understand that YOU have some major trials of your own to deal with. Plus; you're going to be INSANELY SOBER at times, so there is no good reason to be out participating in the important events of other peoples lives. Seriously; you could "snap" at any moment (and you will). Maybe not today; but the next 16 weeks are not a good time for other people to be depending on you for anything. You'll see.
Starting with week 1; get some "stuff" out of your system! I was doing hard-walking everyday. Power walking? Stomp walking? Slam-your-foot-down-hard-with-each-step-you-take walking. I started "walking with purpose" during this treatment. You will need many new ways to distract yourself, and to keep your hands busy (hand exercisers).
Above and beyond walking with a purpose, I also did daily exercise walking--perhaps the best thing to come out of this for me. What you want to do is to walk, and add 30 lbs. (or more) to your body weight for the walk, while also adding an arm or hand exercise to your walking motion. This is "Triple-Benefit Walking", and it's MY invention. Walk for at least half a mile, everyday. Break a sweat, everyday. Your head MIGHT still explode if you do, but your head WILL explode if you don't.
You cannot go into this experience depressed, or even unmotivated. You must take on this "challenge" boldly, with a face-first plunge, and with honest intent to both change and improve yourself--or you will NOT make it through.
Shall we break down the weeks? The first 2 weeks of any cleansing program have excitement and enthusiasm. You should put all of your “party energy” into the exercise walks and workouts; you will need to EXHAUST yourself physically. And you must keep telling yourself that this is smarter; to be exercising in place of booze, pot and pills. Repeat it to yourself over and over: “THIS is smarter than pot or pills. This IS smarter than pot or pills.” (Change the emphasis between the first and second words “THIS” and “IS”, and change the actual ‘pot or pills’ words to be relevant to you; “weed”, “beer”, etc.). The first 2 weeks are still fresh; your mind and body are going through changes willingly. You can sense difficulty ahead, but you are not quite there yet.
With week 3, welcome to your new Hell. Not only is your brain slapping you around, and rationalizing those urges to indulge, but also your body begins to plead with you. This is what drying out feels like. The “opportunity” to party is constant/permanent. “Just one beer/hit/pill, and we’ll get right back to this cleansing stuff.” Fight it. Grunt! Curse! Go take a long hot shower with screaming, yelling, and crying. Use as much hot water as you want; heck, use it all--this is therapy. Make your NOISE first, then go back and apologize later (therapy isn’t pretty). You are now one of “THOSE” people going through detox; and this current level of frustration gets much worse. This is only the beginning.
You want to ask me ‘how long does this last?’, right? It lasts for months; sorry. But you cannot focus on that--keep your focus on the NEXT TEN FEET IN FRONT OF YOU; distract yourself/change the subject. Ask: For the past 2 weeks; how much money did you spend on beer/weed/pills? None. See? You’re broke, already, because of that DUI, but at least you’re not WASTING more money on booze and drugs. Right? Have you been exercising over these past 2 weeks? Yes. That’s good, right? You’re not properly motivated for REAL exercise right now; you are actually exercising IN PLACE of partying--but you’re heading in the right direction. Yes; it hurts. I KNOW it hurts. Your brain hurts from the lack of “adjustment” that partying used to give you, and now your body hurts from super-stressed exercise. This is a lot of pain; this is 2 different KINDS of conflicting pain. And THAT is your first milestone--right there;
(STOP, BREATHE, RECALIBRATE, BREATHE AGAIN, now continue:)
Your first milestone: 2 kinds of pain, ALL day, everyday. It’s difficult, but not impossible, to let the physical pain from exercising battle the mental pain of cleansing. You wanted to know a “secret” to this crap? Well, there it is; let the 2 different kinds of pain battle each other. You want a drink? Do 20 push-ups. You want a pain pill? Run in place for 5 minutes. You want a bong hit? Hit the hand-exericser 100 times with your 'bong' hand while you “pretend” to light it with the other hand (I'm a genius). Deep breathing patterns also help. Read up on ALL stress release exercises; like clenching your stomach muscles on and off, clamp your butt muscles shut, and squinching your eyes closed for a few seconds at a time--then opening them as wide as you can (sounds dumb, but is surprisingly relaxing).
What about the night-terrors? As you lay in bed, sober, staring at the ceiling, pissed off, knowing that you’ll never fall asleep in the next six hours--what do you do then? Excellent question; first you will relax your eyes. EASE your cold stare at the ceiling. The ceiling is not your enemy. You might as well make friends with the ceiling--considering this is your entertainment for the next 6 hours. You can’t sleep? Fine; then don’t sleep. But STAY IN BED! Only get up to pee, and never stay out of bed for more than 3 minutes--you HAVE to deal with this. Stay horizontal, and at least relax your body as much as you can. Straighten and stress your fingers and toes; clench, and unclench your stomach, then your arms and legs. You’ll never get close to “meditation” as mad as you are right now, but you might as well rub the back of your own neck. It helps a little. Massage your own scalp, too. Why? You certainly wouldn’t let anybody ELSE touch your neck or your head right now--so you might as well "massage" yourself. This should help a little, too; but if it doesn’t: How long has it been since you cried yourself to sleep? Do you see any parallels to right now? Let some (more) tears fly. Punch and bite the pillow, too. You will develop your own ways to deal with frustration; document them. Try to deal with the pain as positively as you can.
As you pass through these weeks 3 and 4 you will exercise even harder now; if you don’t strain/exhaust your stomach with exercise (at least) every other day then you WILL overeat--it's a natural reaction (cigarette smokers gain an average of 20 lbs. when they quit). Drop from 3 “meals” per day to 5 or 6 “snacks”; and MAKE your own healthy snacks--eat more vegetables.
Some people benefit by creating their own pain. (It should have been in week 1 of Diversion, but) In week 8 of Diversion classes there was a suggestion to wear a rubber band on your arm, and to snap it (ouch) when you have a party thought. I was 'snapping' rubber bands on both wrists 1000 times a day. Be very careful with self-injury--although you MAY want to experiment; I do NOT recommend that you burn or cut your own flesh, but it does help some of the more extreme tattoo and piercing types of people. Think of the "conditioning" from the Huxley book "Brave New World"; condition yourself. Make your own pain.
After about 4 weeks of "cleansing", new levels of mental frustration will kick in. Try as hard as possible to keep your sense of humor--it's not easy. Even if 20% of your brain can start to see the good in these changes, 80% of your brain is still fighting; it's fighting "change", it's fighting sobriety, and because it is YOUR brain--it's fighting dirty. YOUR brain knows exactly HOW to screw with you. Don't give in. YOU have to be the adult now; you have to be rational.
Hopefully you will begin to see some actual "good" changes now--not that it helps much. But for 4-5 weeks you have not been wasting $50 a week at the bar or with your dealer (perhaps you've been spending that same $ on your Diversion classes instead, but at least it's not "wasted" money). By now you should be able to get to sleep a bit faster, and hopefully you are getting at least 4 hours of sleep per night. Again; EXHAUST your body an hour before bed; this is rehab! If you CAN get those 4 hours of sleep, you also will begin to remember your dreams (this was very new to me). This is good! Now you can do some 'dream analysis' on yourself. YOUR sobering brain works in some strange and wonderful ways. Write these dreams down--it's as close to a "buzz" as you can get. And this is your own personal mystery theater stuff; try to figure out exactly what your brain is doing. It might be making bold conceptual statements, or it might be just releasing some clutter. It could be a documentary, a sit-com, or a soap opera. Are you ready to find out that you are even smarter, and much more creative, than you thought you were? Some people are not (30%).
Along with dream-analysis, you have TONS of extra brain power to use now. Seriously. You should already be reading some books, and making weekly trips to the library (walk, or bike there). Go ahead and read the newspaper everyday, as well; you don't even have to buy it--just read somebody else's paper from yesterday (they won't mind). Do you crossword, sudoku, or numbrix? Pick up some new brain investments. Do word finds, or picture finds. Do you have a partner to play Scrabble with? Don't discount other board games, either. Have you experimented with this insanity they call 'Texas Hold 'Em poker'; either online, or live games? It can be a nice distraction.
I mentioned your brain 'releasing some clutter'. Trust me; we ALL have some clutter to release--mental and physical. Let's tackle your new favorite activity: House Cleaning!..Remember when I said "You might as well develop some hand strength as you suffer."? Well; also, you might as well clean your physical house while you clean your mental one. Cussing and crying while cleaning (that's me): This is some of my comedy material; vicious vacuuming, dangerous dusting, and scream-scrubbing (toilets and bathtubs). Again; like 2 sentences ago, you might as well get some chores done while you're throwing your fits, right?
Clean out/reorganize every closet in your house, and you can throw away obvious clutter and junk--but don't throw away any clothes yet. We'll be using clothes later; creating draft-stoppers under doors, and adding old clothes to existing insulation (save money/you're broke now). Save all your old clothes; there is a good chance that you will lose some weight here. And wouldn't THAT be nice?
Your room-mates will be scared at first, but they will stay the hell away from you, and they will give you some space. They'll also appreciate that you are (at least) trying to be productive with your anger. Anger?
If it wasn't invented before, I developed "Angry Cooking" during my rehab. This is where you bang pots and pans around and yell 'Yeah, I'm cooking again! So what?!' And be somewhat careful as you slice, chop, and grate things to be cooked--you do want to try to keep your personal bleeding to a minimum while you are preparing food. But remember; this is therapy--maybe you need to bleed a little into your food (it does add color, and a little salt). And; try to multi-task in the kitchen; keep an eye on the stove, sink, oven, counters, and chopping board all at once (Keeping your eyes on 5 different things at once in the kitchen; this is a VERY good distraction technique, SERIOUSLY.). And as things get up to temperature on the stove, take note. When something frying starts to sizzle, get right over it and hiss at it; 'Hissssssssssssss! Yeah; you like that, don't ya?' When some liquid starts to boil, get over it and mock it; go 'Blubblubblubblub' right down into the water (plus, the steam feels pretty good on your face). In a lower volume, scream like a horror movie as you drop noodles or rice into the water, and say 'Oh nooooooooooooo!' as you do. 'Death to the noodles!' This will help with your humor, as well. Something in the oven? Turn on the oven light, and ask 'How's everybody doin' in there? Hot enough for ya? Answer me; don't make me come in there, 'coz I'll do it!'
Do you need to mix something? Well here's some good news; you won't need a blender. No; I'm pretty sure you're mad and energetic enough to "mix" anything at this point. You might not need more than a big spoon, and some room to work. Try not to spill TOO much, but give yourself some space to 'mix things up'. Your arms and hands are going to twitch and jump--be ready for that. And be sure to stir with both hands equally; don't wear out your lead arm completely. Cooking is great therapy; and, sometimes, you even end up with stuff to eat.
You should learn to make pizza dough (page 310 of the Tightwad Gazette), so then you can knead it. Pound it, slam it, punch it, throw it down on the counter and say 'Ha! No; I'm not having an episode--I'm making pizza!' Hey; dough is EXCELLENT therapy. It BEGS to be beaten; and trust me, you WANT to beat something right now. You might as well get a "crust" out of your latest screaming fit, right? Lazy/rich people can buy the dough mixed, add water, and knead from there. Pizza should be one of your favorite foods already; duh, and learning to make pizza is very cool. After 3 or 4 tries, you'll probably be making really good pizza (I was). A free comedy fact for you: "Therapy...Kneads...Pizza!" You're welcome.
Weeks 5 through 8 of going sober were the toughest for me (as with most people). For daily pot-smoker males around 200 lbs. (that's me), it can take the full 8 weeks to get THC out of your system (it did). And believe me when I say that the THC's departure from your brain/body does not "end well". These are the weeks that will define your...YOU. This is it; this is the apex of the pain. You WILL snap; if you haven't already, then it's time to go off on somebody (I recommend ex-girlfriends, and ex-employers). Scream and yell and cuss out some idiot for a couple of minutes; do it until your face feels hot, or you burst into tears, or both (that's me). Did I mention 'this is it'? Because this IS it; THIS is where most of those 30% fail (a couple of your Diversion classmates won't make it--DON'T be one of them). It is overwhelmingly painful, difficult in a different way, and high stress that you've never felt before. But YOU can do it. By reading this commentary, you are already PROVING that you are serious about getting through this. Hand-exercisers; blah blah blah. I've mentioned hand-exercisers at least 3 times now--perhaps you sense their importance. I would NOT have made it through this without them; I turned on my entire Diversion class TO them (hand-exercisers should be a week 1 Diversion class REQUIREMENT, by the way). Push-ups, sit-ups, chin-ups, stomp-walk, snap the rubber bands on both arms, and punch your pizza dough--this is war!
Cry in the shower daily! In fact; go take a loud, crying shower right now! "Game On" with your therapy. Anything that helped you in the first 8 weeks is MANDATORY now. One more time; because you're dizzy and cloudy--read it slow: "Anything that helped you in the first 8 weeks is MANDATORY now." Sit on an exercise ball and watch comedy; Comedy Central, The Daily Show--(after 11 years of warming up) watch Jon Stewart while he is AT HIS BEST (right now). Go find Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network; you NEED humor, sourpuss! If you have no tv ('coz you're broke), then rent funny movies from the library/watch funny things on library computers (You're walking/biking to the library 3 days per week now, right?). By now you should have found some other newly broke DUII people AT the library (I did). Compare and contrast "coping techniques"; talk with them about some of the people from your class who didn't make it (some of their stories are astounding). Keep breathing. Focus on the next 10 feet in front of you. Go scream-scrub the toilet again; your room-mates won't mind. Maybe you should read THIS paragraph a few times per day. Bite your pillow some more. Squinch your eyes shut, and grunt! Call another ex-girlfriend--but don't cuss this time, just CRY! Say out loud:
"I WILL GET THROUGH THIS CRAP!"
Okay; so by week 9, you are now dealing with a new person--in yourself. IF you have made it this far (ask your counselor), THEN you can make it all the way! If you have been clean since week 1, by week 9 you should pass your first urinalysis (it took me 9 weeks). Seriously; you're sober, exercising, stress-relieving, cooking, cleaning, saving money, and you just passed your first piss test, EVER! Wow; wtf else does the world want from you right now?..Well; the world wants you to keep this up for 8 more weeks.
If you are doing ANY of this correctly, then you should have LOST a few pounds by now (Aren't you glad that you kept your clothes? Do you see why now?). Go to Goodwill, St Vinnies, or the Salvation Army and get a used (smaller) belt for $2. All of your "new" clothes will be coming from these places; why? Because you're saving money now; you still have at least $2000 to pay off. If I EVER see any ex-DUII people paying $40 or more for a new pair of blue jeans, then I will kick your ass myself--you have been warned!
But this week 9 is still living hell--don't think just because I mentioned "comedy" 2 paragraphs ago that it's all okay now; it's not. But something has to make YOU laugh. I did a couple of months of open-mike comedy with some incredibly talented (and slightly disturbed) people. I'd never done that before; up on stage, trying to make OTHER people laugh. YOU (also) should find something that you've always wanted to do, but never had the balls to actually DO, and give it a try. You can blame the attempt ON your therapy (now stay with me--this could get important). DO some new, fairly big, maybe even semi-dangerous thing that you've always wanted to! Why? Because...YOU HAVE AN "IN" NOW! Remember your "out" from not participating in others' celebrations? Well, right now is the BEST excuse you will ever have to; ice skate, hang glide, hike up a mountain, etc.. And; in order to PROVE to the people that you DIDN'T go play with before (with you're 'out'), you really should go off and do something extreme. Oh! And by all means; shave your head, get a tattoo, and ride/drive a motorcycle. But THOSE are (relatively) wimpy and passive (you have to sit down for all 3). I'm saying that you NEED to go out and really DO something; something BIG. Your brain is flustered and confused--so maybe you don't see the point that I am building to (and that's good).
Pick your poison, and choose your chase--for something monumental (at least to you). You will need to do research--that's another trip to the library (or 2, or 3). You will need the internet for a few hours. You will also need to talk to some people about your intended aim; some people who have done it, and some other people (like you) who are about to do it for the first time. I mean--you don't want to completely crash-and-burn on this lifelong dream you had, right? This is going to take some MAJOR LEAGUE effort on your part. Diligence, focus, planning, and practice; you don't just strap a kite to your back and jump off of a cliff (hang-gliding). This is going to take many hours (days?) of preparation, and you had better get started soon! And--I'm just about done with my encouragement speech. Let's wrap it all up for you and your 'sobering' brain. Ready? Here we go:
You couldn't do this in your former "party state" of mind; you could NOT. Your mind wouldn't LET you. Your own ideas of what IS, and what IS NOT possible, are being challenged. You want another milestone, don't you? Sure ya do. And you're only getting 2; 1 from week 3 (let 2 kinds of pain battle each other), and this one from week 9. During your state-induced sobriety, you have new ways to release stress. In order to get THIS far, you have already gotten much of the "clutter" out of your brain. So NOW you have some room in your brain for some new stuff--but that's not the really good news. The really good news is that your brain IS a little frazzled right now. So what? No; so 'when'. SO WHEN you are reading, internetting, practicing, and talking to other people about this NEW BIG thing you're going to do, your brain forgets about drinking/smoking/drugs. I'll explain:
Take your frazzled brain, focus it on a NEW subject (something BIG), and do NEW research that you haven't done before. For those few hours that you are really in-depth at the learning of this new 'outlet', you will NOT be thinking about drinking, lack of sleep, or how broke you are. You will have a NEW, unparalleled focus on a NEW unparalleled subject, about something that has HAUNTED you for your whole life. You will PUSH drugs out of your mind for MOST of this research time.
Shhhh; I know. I didn't believe it either--until it happened to me. To do an open-mike comedy set, you're up on stage for 5-7 minutes (maybe). But for those 6 days before; during the writing, thinking, revising, conforming, and practicing the words; for roughly 20 hours over those last 6 days, the thought of a beer or a bong hit NEVER entered my mind. Wrapping up the 2nd milestone now; NOTHING in your life BEFORE your DUII is going to be enough to distract you from partying now (and I am very sorry). Now you need a new subject (something BIG), that you didn't even TOUCH until your brain is sober AND frazzled, and THEN you do BRAND NEW research on this subject. New (subject), confused (brain), and fresh (research); make it happen. After the first 8 or 9 weeks of rehab, this new subject will help carry you through the last 7 or 8. Plus; now you will be proving that you CAN see things with fresh eyes (30% of people cannot). You've already lost some weight, you've been forced to save some money, and your house is amazingly clean. Now go make another pizza.
The oversimplified version of this commentary would look like this:
Exercise and Sweat; Clean and Cook; Cuss and Cry
(1) Let the physical pain battle the mental pain.
Save money; do research on it, go to the library.
Keep doing anything/everything that helps get you through the first 8 weeks.
(2) Find something brand new + BIG to focus on, and do it!
This new focus will carry you to the end.
If you care, the first part of this story is My DUII Experience 2009 / 2010. Keep in mind that Oregon DUII laws became even more severe in early 2011, and may get worse again in 2012.