Hey you freakin' morons. I've been all nice for too long, been trying to remember that God has a plan, been trying to not get upset at the stupidity all around me. It's too late. Maybe I can keep the cussing to a minimum. Maybe not.
I'm due for a rant about something: pro-lifers have resurfaced near me with their lofty illogic--I mean, if you're yelling about how you believe in something, then it's a good idea to know exactly WHAT it is. Pro-life has NO exceptions; zero. None. What kind of retard would stay with that thought process?..Then we have the evolution thing coming back into my world--it led to an argument with God, because 'it wasn't my idea to crawl out of the ocean'...And there are (still) people, perhaps you are one of them, who measure the worth of an adult life by 'getting married and having children'. Wow. I love to listen to these people; yeah, marriage and children. Dating. If relationships are so difficult, then why are you still dating? Why must you be linked to anybody--much less a loser? Wait; if you're linked to a loser, does it make you look smarter? How so, or how not so? It's like a drug, isn't it? Can you explain your logic? Why not?
Women and dating; oh this should be fun. Shhhh; quit laughing. Some people want to measure out men and women as equals--isn't that cute? From reality all around me; this is not a convenient truth. There are NO men who date only married women, okay? There are NO men who stay with women who physically abuse them. There are NO men who seek out women in prison--for any reason. There are NO men who agree to be "polygamized" by any woman. There are NO White men who date ONLY Black women. And I'm just warming up here--these are off the top of my head, bitch; imagine if I were to do some research on some of the really crazy shit dating women do. So; for whatever reasons women wind up with personal ads--another bad idea, but we'll just go with it for now.
I must've been bored and drunk one night (me?) when I signed up for Yahoo Personals, and some mail-order-wife thing for Asian and Russian girls (nice!). Maybe it was one of those nights when my Static Honey wouldn't talk to me. Asian girls will do anything to please their men--that's kind of different from American girls, huh? (Sign me up for one.) Man; there are some hot Russian girls out there, too. (Sign me up for one of them, too.) If I looked like a supermodel, spoke 2 languages, had a college degree, and made $50K a year, then I wouldn't need a personal ad to find an American man. How obvious does a scam have to be? Where the hell was I?
Personals! And in the Yahoo Personals, sheesh, there are some really angry divorced American women (divorced + angry = two-time losers). Awww. Some of these females have kids, and are thousands in debt--with no assets (three-time losers); some of these women aren't even divorced yet--but they know what they are NOT going to put up with (now). Seeking to be four-time losers? I love this stuff. I'm reading through some of the self-descriptions, and expectations of what these women believe they deserve, and I'm just wondering what kind of fairy tales and margarine commercials they've been tuned into (So; you're going to KEEP your abusive ex- around, AND you also want a new man?). Some of these women want more than what any 3 guys I know could offer--even if the 3 guys worked as a team (hmmm). Some of these "offers" from the angry fat girls are so bad that women must think men are just desperate. I mean; these women already tried to do it THEIR way, and that didn't work. These desperate, needy, clingy women are going to take whatever attention they might get from some guy who reads their personal ad--but still these women are trying to make demands. Cute. This is pure entertainment at its finest--thank you so much, ladies.
...So here I am to "flatter" all of these females! It's imitation time!
WC'S Personal Ad:
Age: 40
Height: 6 ft+
Weight: 215 lbs.
Ethnicity: White
Hair: Short and brown
Eyes: Soft blue
Body type: Medium build, I look 30, and act even younger.
Never married; no wife, no kids, no debt, and no baggage.
Occupation: Announcer, Philosopher, Persuasive Speaker, your Pimp
What I'm Looking For: You'll need to be under 25, with NO biological clock, and no ambition other than to serve me. You'll pretty much be my "sex slave"; so just get used to the idea up front. I've never hit a woman in the past, but that's all over now. I'm going to beat the crap out of you--my next dumbass girlfriend; every day. You'll be crying, hiding your bruises, and making up stories about how you were "clumsy" and "fell down" to save MY ass. Ha! Yes; go and cry to your moronic "sensitive" male friends about how badly I treat you. I am DONE listening to stupid women complain; it's MY turn to be the bad guy. I'll be beating you up, daily, and tying you down, too. Bondage; yes, you'll be handcuffed to a kitchen appliance of my choice for 2 hours a day. You'll either learn how to use all the "tools" in the kitchen, or you'll go to the bus stop--and ride away. Seriously. Your average days will be spent cleaning, caring for, and washing my things; cooking, sweating, and straining to keep me attracted to you. Kids? You're the kid; you'll be calling me "Daddy", and worshipping me. "Father"; I'm the priest, and you're the choir boy. You're the busty intern, and I'm the president. Cook, clean, and suck, baby; I am going to simplify your life--you are very lucky.
You're going to need to have credit cards and money already--maybe a house, too; you won't have time to work because you'll be too busy taking care of me. You'll be inviting all of your cute female friends over to have naked pillow fights, which I will be taping and selling on the internet. Later; you and your hot friends can practice your oral fixations and X-Rated abilities on my body directly, which I will be taping, and then charging my friends to view. It will be best if you are a mute, because I really don't want to hear your opinion about anything, or preferences, or what you would do differently if you were in charge; because you are NOT in charge. I don't even want to hear your voice. Yes, you'll need to be a mute this time--cut your own vocal chords before you e-mail me. I've tried dating international non-English speaking models (and gymnasts) a few times before, but they just kept chattering on and smiling. Honestly; what's the point? Shut up already; the only person I want to hear talking is me--thank you. Aren't there better things you could be doing with your mouth, anyway? And at least I'm being up front and honest with you here; this is apparently way too much work for one female. I'm going to need at least 3 women; yes, 3 8-hour shifts to make up the 24-hour day. A blonde, a burnette, and a redhead; and you're all going to need to work together, work overtime, and multi-task. Now let's condense it:
Overall; I'm looking for a 3-woman team to handle the 3 8-hour shifts in my day. You'll need to be rich, silent, attractive, completely or nearly naked, and eager to be abused. You'll be cooking, cleaning (2 hours a day in the kitchen), pleasing me and praising me daily. You'll be getting your friends involved with my special interests, and you'll be orally fixated on me for at least an hour a day (Which is a favor to you, because you can't talk with your mouth full--and nobody wants to hear you talk anyway.). You will be responsible, understanding, and appreciative of any attention I pay you.
"Twins" is a step in the right direction, but I'm going to need triplets. Maybe I could get a hot Asian mama with twin teenage daughters--that might "teamwork" out just fine. "Love" is overrated, sweetie. You will be "working" for me, working it, working it out (on me) with your friends, and "whoring it out" when I tell you to. I will usually only hit you to keep you in line; however, you will need to be kept in line everyday. You can serve humanity, serve the male species, and serve your country ALL by serving me. Honestly; I had NO idea exactly how popular I was! Be a true patriot and submit your app. today! Call me: President, General, Boss, Daddy, Priest, Pimp, or Man of your stupid dreams; but call me quick, because I'm getting hundreds of submissions daily. Even if you don't make the final cut, perhaps you can "volunteer" for me--and get a little taste of what's going on. Ha. Remember; it's not ME scouring the personal ads looking for you--you're going to need to earn your place in my world. In fact; I'm willing to teach you how to cook, and give really good "face". You should be paying me dearly for all of this, but I'm doing it for free. I'm a teacher; I know my role, and I'm here to help. You're welcome. So...submit early, and submit often; but submit now--or you will DEFINITELY miss out.